As the date when I have to decide about my plans for next year creeps closer (April 1), I have found myself in a constant state of soul-searching. And I have come to terms with the fact that my soul still aches from the hole that will forever remain inside of me, the hole that his passing carved so deeply within the fibers of who I am.
Though I know I can’t call him and discuss the pros and cons of my choices until my ear gets so sweaty that my cell phone shuts down….but that doesn’t mean that the urge is not there.
We still talk, and his answers come just as they would’ve had he been here. He never would have given me a straight answer, just as he never would tell me who he voted for or what religion to believe in. He always gave me the power to be me, even when that “me” meant shaving my head in the backyard while my mom was out food shopping (yes he did it for me) or dying what hair I had left bright blue. My dad in life and death is enigmatic.
However, one thing he was always clear on was the importance of family. Not that he would tell me I should stay home with the kids, but that there is no better place to find solace when I am in need than with my family.
So, I asked my mom and older brother, Matt, to come and visit this past weekend.
I think if you look closely, maybe you could see my dad’s smiling face in the clouds or hear his deep laughter in the whisper of the wind.
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